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Healing and Hell
Working through the effects of the child sexual abuse brought havoc to my life. We had little emotional and spiritual support at the time. There were few organizations in New York City to help those who desired to come out of homosexuality. I attended one Christian group, but they rejected me because, at that time, I was still a part of the Unification Church. I tried another ex-gay ministry in a nearby state, and the director approached me to have sex with him. This created more pain and feelings of hopelessness.

I knew the wounding occurred because of my unhealthy relationship with Uncle Dave and the emotional detachment from my father. Therefore, I knew that I needed to be close to men in healthy ways to heal and grow. I needed mentoring, corrective parenting to reconcile what had gone wrong so many years before. I reached out to men in my church. I was voracious to experience healthy love, but I scared most of them away. I threatened them with my powerful needs, and they didn't know what to do. I am also sure I must have triggered some issues within them, as most men in our culture carry deep father wounds (one reason for homophobia).

Finally, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I needed touch, to be held, to be mentored, to be initiated into the world of men. So, I told God, my wife, and several friends that if I couldn't find what I needed through godly men, then I would go back into the homosexual world to find someone who was willing to be with me.

It certainly wasn't plan A, not even plan B, but I knew what I needed, and I knew I wouldn't stop until I found it. Back into the sad "gay" world I went. I felt like a complete hypocrite, going against all my religious convictions, but the need for love is more powerful than religion. I shared everything with God. Through that period of my life, I knew He was guiding me.

It was a very bizarre time. It was a most painful and lonely time for Jae Sook and our first son, Jarish. I was out running around New York City with my boyfriend, and she was at home alone taking care of our son, knowing her husband was out with a man. I cry now, as I write these words, realizing again the pain I caused her and our children. I am truly sorry, and I have repented to her, our children, and God for what I did.

I told her of my commitment to our relationship and of my desire for her not to divorce me. I needed to heal with men. I didn't know how to do it. I couldn't find anyone at the time to show me the way, so I had to do the best I could. I prayed the whole way through this unusual course, from start to finish.

It would take volumes to describe what I went through in the next two and a half years. I learned that I was indeed looking for closeness, not sex. I needed to make up for all the times that I had never shared with my dad -- just being together, doing things together, talking about life, and learning from him. This I experienced with a wonderful man. I was very honest with him from the start about being married and wanting to heal these same-sex desires. There was no pretense with him, my wife, or God.

Slowly, my heart began to heal as I grieved the effects of the sexual abuse in therapy and I spent time with my friend. However, there was still a deep wound in the pit of my soul. We had had a second child during all this. Jessica was a beautiful girl.

More and more, my wife and I were growing distant in our connection to the Unification Church. We were struggling emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. In the years to come, we would eventually resign and return to our Christian roots. (Now we attend a wonderful church in our community. There we find fellowship, support, and love.)

Breakthrough
By the grace of God, I found a Christian friend who was willing to help me heal the homo-emotional wounds of my past. He himself was quite stable and comfortable in his masculinity. I cannot describe everything that took place between David and me. Yes, his name was David. God is just. It was Dave who abused me at five, and it was David who helped me heal at thirty-five!

Together, with the guidance of God, we walked back into the room of my abuse, and there I faced my biggest demon-myself, my accuser. "It was all my fault!" This is how I felt. This is what I thought! "It was all my fault!" David helped the child in me see that I didn't cause the abuse, that it wasn't my "fault." In that instant, the connection between Uncle Dave and I was cut, and I became free for the first time in my life. With that sense of freedom, I sobbed for about an hour in David's arms. It was such a release and relief to know that I wasn't responsible for what had happened and that God had forgiven me. In those moments of release, I found my freedom from same-sex desires. Cutting this neurological connection to the sexual desires freed me from thirty years of relentless pain and an endless pursuit of men.

After that, I needed to do maintenance work to ensure that I was receiving healthy, nonsexual love from other men. I found several men who were willing to mentor me. This was another critical part of my healing. Developmentally, I had to learn the many lessons I missed as a child, adolescent, and young adult. My friends Phillip, Russell, Rev. Hillendahl, Steve, Gordon, and Rev. Schuppe poured and continue to pour into my soul lessons of love, initiating me into the world of men.

More Healing
Jae Sook and I attended an EXODUS Conference in 1987, just after I had my breakthrough with David. (EXODUS is the umbrella organization for the ex-gay Christian ministries around the world.) There I prayed to God to show us the next step-what to do and where to go. Each day at the conference, I prayed for God's guidance, but nothing came. Finally, the conference ended. I walked to a nearby lake. I knelt down and prayed, "OK, God, it's showdown time! I'm not moving from this spot until you tell me what to do and where to go. Even if I die sitting here, so be it. I await your guidance." Then the directions came clearly: "Move to Seattle, receive help for your marriage, get an education, and then reach out to help other people." In amazement, I asked, "Would you please repeat that one more time?" The words came one more time, exactly as I had heard them before.

I told Jae Sook what I had received. We both prayed about this for several weeks until we were certain that this was God's desire for our lives. When it became clear that this was to be, I quit my job. We packed an eighteen-foot truck with our belongings, said good-bye to our friends in New York City, and headed off to Seattle. There we started a new life, not knowing what God had in store for us.

Then we heard about a Christian healing community on Vashon, a small island outside Seattle. We all went one chilly Saturday afternoon in December 1987. There we met with Rev. and Mrs. Lou Hillendahl, the pastors of the Wesleyan Christian Community. Within an hour, I knew this was why God had brought us to Seattle.

On January 1, 1988, we moved into this healing community. We stayed with them for six months of intensive therapy and received counseling and support from them for the next two and a half years. They taught us many skills. I learned about mentoring from them. I learned how to be a better husband and father. We are eternally grateful for the love, time, and investment they gave to our family. We have been able to give so much to others because of what they gave to us.

I had another breakthrough experience there. In the summer of 1988, my parents came to visit. We all met with my counselors from the Community. I shared about the past abuse with Uncle Dave and how I walked into the homosexual world, always looking for my father's love in the arms of other men. Later that evening, we took my parents back to their hotel room. I asked everyone to leave my father and me alone for a while. I told Dad, "You never held me as a child, at least not in my memory. So, even though you are seventy and I'm thirty-six, I need you to hold me now."

I remember so well that room and the chair where he held me. I climbed on his lap and began to weep. He got so nervous, as he is uncomfortable with tears. I told him, "Dad, please just let me cry. It's good. I just need to let go of all the losses of my life, all the times we missed being together when I was growing up. Please just hold me while I grieve." With that, I let go of so many years of pain and disappointment. It was a wonderful moment for both of us. At last, we were bonding as father and son.

Becoming a Wounded Healer
I knew that eventually we were going in the direction of helping others heal out of homosexuality. I decided that, first, I must serve those in the homosexual community without trying to persuade anyone into my way of thinking. For three years, I was a volunteer, working with people who had AIDS. It was a privilege and honor to be with these men and women. I felt humbled and grateful for each relationship and experience. I could see their beauty and raw desire just to be loved.

At the same time, I began graduate school to obtain my master's degree in counseling psychology. After graduation, through the guidance of God, I founded the International Healing Foundation. My vision was to establish healing centers throughout the world to help men, women, and children to experience their value as children of God. This is still my vision, as we continue our journey.

I worked for the American Red Cross as an HIV/AIDS educator for three years. I worked for Catholic Community Services in Child Abuse Treatment and Family Reconciliation Services. I also had my private practice, helping men and women heal out of homosexuality.

I began to give public presentations on the process of transitioning from homosexuality to heterosexuality. I thought that, because of my heart toward the homosexual community, they would see that I was not their enemy, but just presenting another possibility for those who desire to change. I was naive. We received death threats at our home and at my office! We received obscene telephone calls at home with angry, venomous words of threat and accusation. The Gay and Lesbian Task Force of the mayor's office in Seattle requested that the American Red Cross fire me from my position as an HIV/AIDS educator. Many in the homosexual community have felt threatened by my work. I understand their fears and their pain.

Over the past twelve years, I traveled extensively throughout the States, giving presentations about the healing of homosexuality on college and university campuses, in churches, in mental health institutions, at therapeutic conferences, and on TV and the radio.

Another blessing occurred five years ago. God gave us a precious son, Alfie. He came on the foundation of our (God's) battles and victories. Now, Jae Sook and I and our three children are growing more deeply in love.

I love God with all my heart, mind, and soul. I live to end His suffering and pain. I pray the understanding of same-sex attractions and the treatment plan for recovery that I am about to share is a blessing to you and those whose lives you will touch. I have learned over the past twelve years of counseling hundreds of men, women, and adolescents, and working with thousands of people in healing seminars around the world, that no matter what issue or issues we are facing in our lives, our wounds all originate from the same sources. For, as Leanne Payne said, "To write about the healing of the homosexual is to write about the healing of all men and women."2 We all fall short of our original design for greatness. When we heal ourselves, the world heals a little more. When we help others heal, we heal in the process. Footnotes

1. Robert Bly, Iron John: A Book About Men (New York: Vintage Books, 1990), 42.

2. Leanne Payne, The Healing of Homosexuality (Westchester, IL: Crossway Books, 1984), 31.

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