People Can Change - An alternative, healing response to unwanted homosexual desires

Chapter One Excerpt: The Journey
Homosexuality is at its core an identity problem. Such a man does not feel like a man, at least as he perceives the way other men feel about themselves. Dr. Bill Consiglio referred to this as "gender emptiness." He doesn't feel like a woman, and he may not yet have taken on a gay or homosexual identity, but he feels empty in some place where he senses he should feel solid….In terms of having gone through all the stages of growth that take most little boys from childhood to full manhood, he found the process too difficult or too painful, so he took his leave and skipped out of a part of it….

Now, 15 , 20 or 40 years later, if you want to resume your growth, you will have to venture back out into the world of men and boys. Essentially, you are going to have to develop your manhood in the same way that young boys do, through a process of learning, testing, failing, getting back up and testing again, and finally succeeding. We grow into the fullness of manhood by doing the things that men do.

Chapter Two Excerpt: Growth Into Manhood: Essential for Healing
(The homosexual man) will not recover until behavior, attractions and identity have all been dealt with and to some extent transformed. Although his natural inclination may be to focus on behavior and attractions -- because this is where he feels the most distress -- I believe that the richest fruit will be borne in his life if he focuses most strongly (and early on) in the area of identity.

This is true for two reasons: First, identity is more amenable to direct attack than behavior or attractions….(It) can be changed significantly through a program of conscious choices and specific actions…. Second, a man's incomplete male identity is what drives and directs homosexual behavior and attractions….

With respect to attractions, the essence of sexual attraction seems to be "differences" or "otherness"… What if a man does not have the inner sense that he is a man? Will he experience attraction to a woman? Will she be his "other"? No, and this is critical. If he feels that he is not complete as a man, his first longing will be not for women but for complete manhood; he will be drawn to the masculine in other males. This will be his "other." This will be his missing rib… It follows, then, that the development of our manhood - finding completion in ourselves -- will do great things both to decrease our same-sex attractions and to start drawing us sexually to women.

Chapter Three Excerpt: The Way a Man Develops
Growth encompasses the following steps:

1. Physiological…

2. Separating from the mother: This occurs…psychologically in the boy's taking on an identity separate from his mother.

3. Identifying with the father or "the man"…

4. Modeling after or imitating the father…

5. Testing his manhood: He wants to prove that he is like his father, so he tests himself to be affirmed that he is a man like his father, seeking affirmation first from his father and then from his peers.

6. Getting affirmed: He gets feedback from his father or peers that tells him he is indeed a man.

7. Accepting his manhood: Affirmation has been sufficient for him to accept internally that he is a man.

…Identification is a far less mysterious thing than bonding, and it is something that could occur at any time, even in adulthood. Hopefully, as you are reading this book, if you have never done so before, you will come to the point at which you will say, "Aha! I am not that different from other men. I am a man, and there is no reason why I can't grow into a full sense of my manhood."

…The primary affirmer in the early years usually is Dad…In early adolescence the search for affirmation is broadened. It focuses on peers. The process is competitive and has the potential to produce some losses and some pain. For this reason many boys will seek an environment where their successes will outnumber their failures. This process almost always takes place in a group environment, and the boy will start fulfilling that strange, almost universal male longing to belong to a group of men. The combination of achieving, being affirmed, and belonging can make this a wonderful experience for a young boy.

Chapter Five Excerpt: Is It Possible for Us Now?
If the steps outlined in chapter 3 are truly necessary for growth into manhood and you skipped some of them or went through them only partially, then at some point you still have to go through them if you are ever to experience full manhood. God heals our physical, emotional, and even our spiritual brokenness, but it is safe to say, God does not heal our immaturity. He wants us to grow out of it….In one way or another, you will have to go through all of the steps that lead to full, mature manhood - separating from the mother, identifying with the father or the "man," modeling, testing my manhood, getting affirmed, accepting my manhood.

…Like a boy, we must be affirmed by men; they are the ones we still see as having the authority to affirm manhood. And like it or not, like a boy, affirmation must come from what we do.

…Manhood is formed in the company of men, and so affirmation must be sought on their terms. This clearly presents a dilemma. You may not like watching football and you may have no ability to fix cars. But a broader understanding of masculinity will expand the areas in which you can recognize and receive affirmation from men. For example, if three men in your church have decided to rebuild the fence around the church playground and they decide to ask you to join them, the very asking will be affirming. Implicit in their asking is the statement that you are one of the men.

…The primary principle of the program is also the basis of this book: We grow into manhood by doing the things that men do.

Chapter Seven Excerpt: Understanding the Masculine
The problem in the homosexual man is not that he has too much of the feminine but too little of the masculine. Can there also be too much of the feminine? Could we have too great a capacity to nurture, to communicate, to understand, too great an ability to respond and help? No, any man who has a surplus of these things is blessed and is likely to be a blessing to others. Maybe in your homosexual struggles you have thought that you are too sensitive, too verbal, too intuitive. I don't think you can be. Look at yourself again. Do these qualities make your life difficult? Are they what hold you back from getting on with your life? I doubt it. Isn't it your inability to initiate, to exercise authority, to function as you are expected to do in the physical world of men that give you such distress?

…This is not the only problem at the root of male homosexuality, and I am not saying that it is present in every struggler, but it has been in most of the men whom I have encountered in this ministry over the last 20 years.

The good news -- the really great news -- is that it is not too late to develop the masculine part of you….

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