Our greatest hope when we first revealed our struggles to our loved ones was that they would simply love us as before. It was terrifying to tell them. We feared they would reject and shame us, potentially throwing our lives into the worst turmoil we could imagine. As John writes:

"I sent my mother an eight-page letter to tell her why I had attempted suicide. I told her of my secret struggle with homosexuality and the conflict that feeling gay caused my conscience. I told her about my short-lived affair with another man that left me feeling more depressed and guilty than ever. I was convinced that once I sent the letter I would never hear from my mother again. Instead, I received the completely opposite response. She told me she loved me no matter what."

Just imagine John's relief and the healing it brought him! Later, he found further healing in the love of good friends:

"While living in Saudi Arabia, I met an American family who 'adopted' me into their home. They exuded such love and warmth, it felt healing just to be with them. Spending time with the father and sons, who were in their early twenties, felt like it was filling a deep hole inside of me that longed for male acceptance and camaraderie. I told the father about my struggle with homosexuality, and he responded with unconditional love and support. He saw a goodness and worth within me that I could not see myself."

John eventually returned to the United States and entered therapy that focused on building his self-esteem as a man. When he reunited with his "adopted" family when they, too, returned to the States, he said:

"My bond with this family, especially the father and his sons, was strengthened even more as I related to them from a place of greater security in my own masculinity and goodness. My lifelong yearning to be loved and accepted by men was finally being realized, and I was now able to accept and embrace that male affirmation at the deepest core of my being."

As with John, we feel that without question, the most important thing you can do for a family member or friend with homosexual attractions -- whether he is conflicted and struggling or "out and proud" -- is to not just continue to love him as before but to actually demonstrate INCREASED love, unconditionally.

Although you may know inside yourself that your love for him hasn't been lessened by his revelation (or your discovery) that he is attracted to other men, the new information may cause you a lot of pain, confusion, sadness or even anger. While these emotions may be totally legitimate for you, your loved one is likely to interpret them as hate and shame -- and nothing could be more destructive to your relationship with him. He needs to know you still love him, that your love is not conditional, that you recognize he is still the same person you loved before.

He needs to know (if it is true for you and to the situation):

...that you recognize that he has probably been suffering silently for a long time

…that he did not choose to have these attractions and would probably "will them away" if he could

…that you do not hold his feelings against him

…that you recognize and honor his courage

…that, if anything, you think more of him, not less, for his honesty and for trusting you enough to tell him his "secret."

How will your increased demonstration of love help him and you? At a minimum, it will help save your relationship and create a more shame-free, open dialogue from which to explore his -- and your -- feelings and options. He's not likely to listen to your feelings about his homosexual attractions if he doesn't trust that, above all, you love him unconditionally, regardless of what choices he makes and what lifestyle he decides to live. Whether or not he is currently conflicted over his sexual attraction to other men, he may have second thoughts one day, once he experiences enough of the reality of the homosexual life. If he can trust you now, he is much more likely to trust you then, when (or if) he becomes ready to seek change.

But the impact of this kind of love and acceptance goes far beyond keeping you in a positive relationship with him for now and the future. Real love…unconditional love…actually has the power to effect change in the lives of homosexual strugglers, whether they currently feel conflicted or not.

Quite simply, we experienced homosexuality, to a large extent, as a desperate emotional (not sexual!) hunger for love from other men. The hunger BECAME sexual when we could not find a way to feed it emotionally. It is not an overstatement to say that, in many respects, WE WERE LOVED OUT OF HOMOSEXUALITY -- loved out by God and godlike family and friends who reached out to us with unconditional love.

This kind of love enabled us to meet our legitimate need for authentic male love and affirmation through loving fathers, father figures or mentors, brothers or heterosexual male friends. As we received and accepted this kind of love, acceptance and affirmation, our desire to pursue it sexually shrank dramatically or even disappeared.

Go back to "How Family and Friends Can Help"