Some might ask, but what about the inner healing work we describe on this Web site (see Solutions: What Worked for Us)? What is the point of a man's doing that work if his homosexual problems are no one's fault? Isn't it better to leave the past buried?

Not at all. Buried emotional pain does not heal, it only hides. Symptoms of the pain show up elsewhere, most notably in homosexual attractions and obsessions. Uncovering and healing the pain of the past is not about assigning blame. Surely, there was nothing for us to gain by blaming anyone, including ourselves. Rather, the purpose of our inner healing work was to gain a deep understanding -- from the gut, not the head -- about our life experiences and relationships, our reactions, perceptions and feelings, that inadvertently and unknowingly "set us up" to ultimately experience homosexual yearnings.

As we did this inner work, many of us uncovered critical junctures in our early lives where we made choices that, at the time, were fully intended to protect or nurture ourselves in healthy ways. Most commonly, we ran away from problems and put up walls against love as a defense against potential hurt. We refused to trust, avoided other boys who frightened us, bonded with girls who made us feel safe, and rejected our fathers as role models. We escaped into fantasy, lied, hid, or turned to masturbation or pornography. At the time, such responses seemed like perfectly reasonable, safe and self-nurturing solutions to feelings of pain we wanted to avoid or reduce. But all too quickly, the intended solution became the greater problem.

So as adults, when we were ready to heal, we started by looking back. We began to see how we had innocently and inadvertently run away from expected pain, or medicated ourselves against it. We began to see how some of our perceptions were dead-on accurate and others were horribly skewed. By looking back, we experienced anger, fear and sadness, it's true. But the point is never about blame; it is to recognize what went wrong so we can begin to fix the real problems - the underlying defensiveness or other problems that created the homosexual symptoms. We dug up the past so we could understand, forgive and accept ourselves and others, honor our pain, alter perceptions that needed to change - and start the process of relating differently to the world.

Go back to "How Family and Friends Can Help"