Very likely, his homosexual problems are almost entirely, if not completely, about his relationship to men and maleness, not to women. In past decades, therapeutic attempts to alter male homosexuality failed miserably because they focused on entirely the wrong problem: the man's relationship to women, rather than to other men. Still today, some well-meaning parents, pastors and others will give very misguided advice: Date women, they say, or even get married and your sexual feelings for men will go away.

Wrong! Those of us who tried this approach found it actually INTENSIFIED our homosexual feelings. How could this be? Because our problem was over-identifying with women and under-identifying with men. Our problem was not feeling affirmed as a man among men, feeling that we were not "man enough" to be included fully in the circle of men. Clearly, only other men can provide this kind of affirmation and inclusion. The more we "retreated" into the feminine realm -- and to us who already felt emasculated, dating and marriage often felt like they further engulfed us in the feminine -- the more we felt estranged from men.

After all, homosexuality itself represented our sincere but misguided attempt to connect with the estranged masculine. The solution, then, was for us to connect to men and masculinity in healthy, heterosexual ways. That can only be done with men.

Later, once we felt grounded as men, only then did we feel truly "man enough" to date and interact romantically with women without feeling engulfed and emasculated by them.

This issue -- it's about men, not women -- is critically important for everyone to understand who will attempt to provide a healing environment for the man who desires (or may one day desire) to come out of homosexuality.

Go back to "How Family and Friends Can Help"