So how can family and friends create a healing environment? Quite appropriately, we begin with fathers. The father-son relationship is usually the most "broken," in the eyes of the homosexually oriented son at least, and thus it offers the most room for healing. Perhaps just as important, his homosexual problems probably relate closely to an inferior male identity and rejection of male role models, so if the father is willing, able and available to play a mentoring role in his son's life now, the potential for healing is great.

Growing up, most of us experienced our fathers as distant, cold, or disinterested. At a very early age, most of us rejected our fathers as a role model and source of unconditional love, acceptance and affirmation. There is nothing to be gained in arguing about whose perceptions were most realistic, ours or our fathers', or of our having to justify our perceptions and feelings as legitimate. Our perceptions BECAME our reality. For us, at least, they were true.

So what can fathers do now?

1. Tell him you love him and respect him. You must say the words. Don't count on him knowing it intuitively if you don't say it.

2. Talk about his feelings. Don't ignore the situation just because it's painful or you don't know what to say. Some fathers scarcely look up from the newspaper, figuratively speaking, to acknowledge their son's announcement that he is struggling with homosexuality. Some say they knew along, or so what?, or discourage him from ever broaching the subject again. They don't want to talk about it. Imagine if your son announced that he had cancer, or had won the Nobel Prize, or was getting married, or some other dramatic event, and you didn't want to talk about it. What would that communicate to him about your depth of caring for him?

3. Build trust with him by learning to listen without judgment or criticism. Listen to understand what he is going through. Don't presume to understand or be an authority on the subject, if you haven't experienced homosexual struggles yourself. Don't blame, don't shame, don't give advice without asking for permission first, and don't "should" at him. Check with him regularly to make sure he calls you on it if he feels you are blaming, shaming, or "shoulding."

4. Step into the role of mentor and supporter, and cease being an authority over his life. Authority won't work now. It's mentoring, masculine love and affirmation he needs now. Ask him how you can help support him. Listen, and be willing to do whatever you can. Offer to support him in counseling, if he wants it, in finding support groups, or in learning to be more at ease in the world of heterosexual men - outdoors, sports, exercise, physical work, or in better understanding how heterosexual men think and feel, and how they differ from women in these ways.

5. At first, focus your interaction with him on his feelings, not yours. Turn to your own wife or friends or other support to deal with your own feelings about it, as much as possible. But keep the interactions with him initially focused on him. Later, when you have established more trust on this sensitive topic, there will be time to share your own feelings and perspectives with him.

6. Ask him if you can hug him, or even hold him, as you would a young child. He probably feels horribly touch deprived and unloved or conditionally loved (justified or not, it makes no difference to how he feels).

7. You, the father, not his mother, should take the lead in seeking out and offering family support. He probably over-identifies with his mother and under-identifies with you. It was long ago time for you to step forward in your relationship with him and for his mother to step into the background.

8. With your son's permission, reach beyond the family to other good men who can help mentor and befriend him without judgment. Don't attempt to "love him out of homosexuality" all by yourself. Just as there are some areas that you alone as his father can provide support and healing, there are also some limitations on the role a father can play in his son's life. Seek out others to create a community of loving heterosexual men for him who can include them in their play, their work, their worship and various masculine activities.

9. Confidentiality is paramount if you are to build trust. Always ask your son's permission to discuss his situation with others.

Go back to "How Family and Friends Can Help"