Whether the father is involved in a healing way with his son or not, great healing can come from the involvement of a kind, non-judgmental, heterosexual male mentor or mentors. The homosexual struggler may ask a man to mentor him in specific ways, or a loving friend may volunteer to mentor the struggler. In any case, both parties must agree to what the mentoring relationship involves, in terms of time commitment, availability, honesty, accountability, etc.

Different kinds of mentors can play different roles in a man's healing. The "father-figure" or "big brother" mentor is the "generalist" who takes on the role of "re-fathering" the man seeking to overcome homosexual feelings. The above list of what fathers can do to help their sons applies equally to this kind of mentor. The man working toward change may also seek out other specific kinds of mentors -- spiritual mentors, for instance, or a fitness trainer or sports coach if the man wants to get more comfortable with certain sports or with his body.

The most important things any mentor can do are to be non-judgmental and appropriately affirming and encouraging, while still gently pushing the man to the next step and the next level of personal growth and heterosexual masculine experience.

Mentors should read Alan Medinger's book "Growth Into Manhood" to help them understand the needs of homosexually oriented men who are seeking to identify with the heterosexual male world. Alan writes to the homosexual struggler:

"Now, 15 , 20 or 40 years later, if you want to resume your growth, you will have to venture back out into the world of men and boys. Essentially, you are going to have to develop your manhood in the same way that young boys do, through a process of learning, testing, failing, getting back up and testing again, and finally succeeding. We grow into the fullness of manhood by doing the things that men do.

"…Like a boy, we must be affirmed by men; they are the ones we still see as having the authority to affirm manhood. And like it or not, like a boy, affirmation must come from what we do.

"…Manhood is formed in the company of men, and so affirmation must be sought on their terms. This clearly presents a dilemma. You may not like watching football and you may have no ability to fix cars. But a broader understanding of masculinity will expand the areas in which you can recognize and receive affirmation from men. For example, if three men in your church have decided to rebuild the fence around the church playground and they decide to ask you to join them, the very asking will be affirming. Implicit in their asking is the statement that you are one of the men.

"…The primary principle of the program is also the basis of this book: We grow into manhood by doing the things that men do."

Mentoring a homosexually oriented man into the heterosexual male world in this way can be richly rewarding. You don't have to know much about homosexuality at all -- you just have to know a lot about heterosexual masculinity, and be willing show the man who wants to change how he can be included in the circle of men.

Richard Cohen's book, "Coming Out Straight," includes a full chapter on mentoring the homosexual struggler. Richard's "International Healing Foundation" also has a workbook for mentors and those they are mentoring. Contact Hilde Wiemann at (301) 805-6111 or IHF2000@aol.com.

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