Answer: It seems that "ex-ex-gays" could probably represent two types of situations -- those who never really made substantial change to begin with, and those who experienced substantial change but then regressed for some reason.

If "ex-gay" is a label one chooses, just as one might choose to label himself "gay" or "ex-ex-gay," well, labels can be thrown on and off rather casually. They don't necessarily mean very much (although they do indicate the self identity one currently has or is trying to adopt). If a man felt at first that he had changed, but later decided he hadn't, it seems likely that he may have changed in some regards but not others.

For example, spiritual change seems to be among the most malleable. Spirituality can be so invigorating and refreshing that spiritual feelings can eclipse sexual feelings for a time. But if they eclipse them, rather than replace them, the sexual feelings may come back if the spirituality cannot be maintained permanently.

As for reverting back after one has in fact experienced significant change, it shouldn't be surprising that there is a certain recidivism in overcoming homosexuality, because that is the case in all areas of human change, from weight loss to smoking cessation to alcoholism recovery to overcoming depression or anything else you can think of. But the fact that change is difficult and some people can't or don't change or return to old ways only makes the victory of those who do make significant permanent changes that much more significant.

As we read the stories of "ex-ex-gays," we have to accept the validity of their experiences and choices, just as we ask them to accept ours. Isn't it possible that some people CAN'T find a way to change their feelings? Why does it have to be either-or, them or us? Clearly, we know that some people CAN change their sexual desires, because we have experienced it ourselves. Other people state emphatically that they don't WANT to change, so the question of whether they could or couldn't if they wanted to is, for now at least, moot. Isn't the experience of all three types of people equally valid FOR EACH OF THEM?

Initially at least, homosexuality seems to be a very difficult issue for most people who face it. Who are we to judge what another person can or should do? Who are we to judge whether they have found real happiness, whether they "really" tried, whether they are doing what's right for them, whether they are right with God at this point in time?

The real question -- the vital question -- is what does all this mean to YOU? If you are trying to decide how to deal with unwanted homosexual feelings, whether others have changed is ultimately irrelevant, except as a guide to help you find your own path. All that really matters is what is true and right for YOU in your life.

So we invite you to read our stories, listen to what we have to say, and ask yourself if it feels right for you. Ask yourself if you want to have in your life the joy and peace that we have found in the way that we have found it. Then make your own choices that are right for you -- and pleasing to God. If you do that, you don't have to worry about anyone else's choices or what they think of yours.

Go to Q & A Page