About Change

A M.A.N.S. Journey

Questions & Answers

I'd like to believe you guys, but I'm still skeptical. I've tried all my life to change, and nothing's worked.

We certainly understand. Before we found real change, every one of us went through long, frustrating periods where we felt entrapped in behaviors and feelings we felt were beyond our control. Most of us hoped desperately for change but doubted that we would ever find it.

So if you feel like you're tried everything but nothing's worked, we have to ask, have you tried the approach we've outlined on this web site?

Our page called Our Solutions: A M.A.N.S. Journey outlines six closely interwoven areas of growth that most of us found we had to address in order to experience significant change:

  • Self acceptance; coming out of shame and isolation;
  • Turning our lives and will over to God;
  • Finding brotherly love and masculine affirmation with heterosexual men;
  • Resolving underlying emotional problems; facing and healing buried pain;
  • Surrendering obsessions, envy and lust; and
  • Fully embracing heterosexual masculinity and a whole new identity.

In hindsight, we can see two major traps we often fell into before we found real, lasting change. One was to put all of our efforts into one or two areas of healing alone (typically, a heavy spiritual or behavioral emphasis) while neglecting or being unaware of the other areas where the roots of the problems lay. The other major trap was to work on the right areas of healing but to take the wrong approach -- trying to "pray away" our homosexual feelings, for instance, or trying to force change through white-knuckled resistance, or trying to motivate ourselves by guilt or shame.

We also found that significant change was often blocked as long as we kept any of the following obstacles in our paths:

  • Ambivalence about truly changing.

  • Skepticism about whether change was really possible, or not knowing how to pursue change. Some of us once preferred to believe that we were "born this way" and couldn't change, because that would "let us off the hook."

  • Unwillingness to get out of our comfort zones, to do anything different, or to come out of hiding to get the help we needed.

  • Giving ourselves LESS of what we truly needed -- authentic and meaningful male companionship and affirmation -- instead of MORE.

  • Trying to force change through willpower.

  • Trying to resolve relationship problems (our relationships with other heterosexual men, particularly our perception of self in relationship with other men) in isolation, OUTSIDE of any meaningful relationships.

  • Expecting God to do all the work, without our having to do much more than pray for change (or at least anything that seemed too difficult).

  • Failing to understand that change was a journey. We once expected God to change us in an instant instead of following him on a healing journey that would take a lot of time and energy.

A reparative therapist in private practice, writes:

"In general, I believe success in this (or any) therapy process can be attributed to a single, simple principle: people spontaneously change for the better when they let go of their resistance to change. In other words, to change is natural if we can just get out of the way and let it happen. Of course, the problem with this is that men dealing with homosexuality typically have so much in the way that unblocking the natural change process can be like removing the Hoover Dam." (See: Who Succeeds at Change in Therapy?)

But what about the "ex-ex-gays," those who once claimed to have changed, but then later admitted they had never really changed and went back to living a gay life?

It seems that "ex-ex-gays" could probably represent two types of situations -- those who never really made substantial change to begin with, and those who experienced substantial change but then regressed for some reason.

If "ex-gay" is a label one chooses, just as one might choose to label himself "gay" or "ex-ex-gay," well, labels can be thrown on and off rather casually. They don't necessarily mean very much (although they do indicate the self identity one currently has or is trying to adopt). If a man felt at first that he had changed, but later decided he hadn't, it seems likely that he may have changed in some regards but not others.

For example, spiritual change seems to be among the most malleable. Spirituality can be so invigorating and refreshing that spiritual feelings can eclipse sexual feelings for a time. But if they eclipse them, rather than replace them, the sexual feelings may come back if the spirituality cannot be maintained permanently.

As for reverting back after one has in fact experienced significant change, it shouldn't be surprising that there is a certain recidivism in overcoming homosexuality, because that is the case in all areas of human change, from weight loss to smoking cessation to alcoholism recovery to overcoming depression or anything else you can think of. But the fact that change is difficult and some people can't or don't change or return to old ways only makes the victory of those who do make significant permanent changes that much more significant.

As we read the stories of "ex-ex-gays," we have to accept the validity of their experiences and choices, just as we ask them to accept ours. Isn't it possible that some people CAN'T find a way to change their feelings? Why does it have to be either-or, them or us? Clearly, we know that some people CAN change their sexual desires, because we have experienced it ourselves. Other people state emphatically that they don't WANT to change, so the question of whether they could or couldn't if they wanted to is, for now at least, moot. Isn't the experience of all three types of people equally valid FOR EACH OF THEM?

Initially at least, homosexuality seems to be a very difficult issue for most people who face it. Who are we to judge what another person can or should do? Who are we to judge whether they have found real happiness, whether they "really" tried, whether they are doing what's right for them, whether they are right with God at this point in time?

The real question -- the vital question -- is what does all this mean to YOU? If you are trying to decide how to deal with unwanted homosexual feelings, whether others have changed is ultimately irrelevant, except as a guide to help you find your own path. All that really matters is what is true and right for YOU in your life.

So we invite you to read our stories, listen to what we have to say, and ask yourself if it feels right for you. Ask yourself if you want to have in your life the joy and peace that we have found in the way that we have found it. Then make your own choices that are right for you -- and pleasing to God. If you do that, you don't have to worry about anyone else's choices or what they think of yours.

I want to change, and I'm ready to do whatever I have to do. Where do I start?

Start with learning about what has worked for others who have made a successful transition from homosexuality. Find out about the counselors and support programs that helped them. You can start by printing out pages from this web site and highlighting those areas that seem most significant. Or most challenging!

This isn't just intellectual reading. This is spiritual and emotional reading -- reading with a believing heart open to inner prompting about areas of significant healing for you. If you read this way, you may experience, as we did, dramatic "aha!" moments where you understand as never before the experiences that led to your homosexual feelings and the things you need to do to begin to change them.

The next most important thing to do is to get help -- from God and from other people, especially men whom you can trust to be supportive of you. Tell them what you are dealing with. Ask for their help and their listening ear as you begin to work a healing program. This is critical. You cannot change alone or in secret.

Homosexuality is at its heart a relationship problem; it cannot be resolved in isolation.

Find a supportive therapist, if possible, who is knowledgeable about (or willing to become knowledgeable about) reparative therapy, and believes in affirming your manhood, not your homosexuality.

Then, armed with true information about what has worked for others, surrounded by a small number of supportive people who will encourage you and listen to you, and leaning on God for guidance, you are ready to work a program of major change. Follow the path we outline on this web site, or similar paths outlined in books like "Coming Out Straight," or whatever path you feel God is leading you on.

You can't do everything at once, and it is not a sequential process. The important thing is that you push yourself in new ways. Take new risks. Build new relationships. Try new things such as we describe on this web site -- things that will help you heal your inner sense of masculinity, your connection with heterosexual men, and your connection with God.

This all looks like a lot of work. I'm not sure I'm up to it. Isn't there an easier way?

The "easier" way is either to pursue a homosexual life, or to live in a state of resisting temptation without lifting the temptation, or to continue to try straddling the fence without change. You could also live your life in a state of semi-healing or semi-consciousness.

But the path we have outlined on this web site is different. It is a healing journey toward a place where temptations are lifted (rather than resisted), toward emotional, spiritual and social wholeness, and toward a new, more masculine identity as a man of God. To arrive at this place, no, we doubt that there is any "easier" way. But life is a journey, regardless of which path you are on. You are either on this path or another. As long as you are alive, you are always moving. For us, we chose to move toward wholeness, toward God, and toward greater heterosexual masculine identity.

How long will this take?

That's a difficult question, because change is a journey, and it's often difficult to measure when exactly the journey begins, and when -- if ever -- it is complete. For us, it also varied significantly by how sincerely and diligently we pursued change.

Of all the areas of change, spiritual conversion seems to happen most quickly -- causing dramatic changes in attitude and desires almost immediately, or over just a few weeks or months. This doesn't necessarily mean a complete cessation of homosexual desires, but some of us found it did cause an immediate cessation of the inner conflict and pain. (Bob and Jerry write about these major spiritual epiphanies in their stories of change.) For others, the spiritual growth is more gradual, coinciding with other areas of change, as if God were leading us on a path step by step, "line upon line."

For those of us who worked with a therapist, the weekly therapy generally lasted between one and three years, John, Rich, David, Dan and Jason write about our positive experiences with therapy in their stories of change.

Does that sound like a long time? Not when the journey became joyous and healing, as we began to break out of isolation, fear and destructive habits and beliefs. Although it was hard work, it became an exciting time of discovery and renewal.

What kind of counseling or therapy would be helpful?

Several of us (Rich, David, John, Jason and Rob) found reparative therapy to be highly beneficial. Reparative therapy approaches homosexuality as an inner drive to repair a broken connection with men -- especially fathers, brothers, and male peers -- and with our own sense of inner masculinity. The therapy focuses on uncovering those feelings of rejection and isolation and healing them emotionally, in part by reaching out to heterosexual men in new, healthy friendships. It also focuses on affirming a man's sense of masculinity. A shift in sexual desire can come about almost as a byproduct of strengthening masculine identity and masculine bonds.

Dan experienced great benefit from inner child therapy. This therapy focuses on uncovering and healing the wounds of childhood and youth.

Richard and Jerry benefited from spiritual counseling that focused on forgiveness and healing of childhood emotional wounds while strengthening their bonds with God.

Whichever therapy, if any, that you choose, it is important that a man have a male therapist with a strong heterosexual identity and some masculine traits that appeal to the client. This is because transitioning out of homosexuality is as much about growing into manhood -- and being mentored and affirmed as a man -- as it is about psychology or spirituality. The therapist becomes a kind of a mentor who can help lead the client into his heterosexual masculine identity. (See Gender-Affirmative Therapy Can Help.)

By the way, you should be aware that, out of "political correctness" and acquiescence to pro-gay activists, the American Psychological Association and other major professional psychological associations strongly discourage any kind of therapy other than "gay affirmative" therapy designed to remove guilt and shame about being gay or having sex with men. But progressive therapists -- especially those who do not belong to gay-affirming professional groups -- still invite the client to determine the course of his own therapy and will support him in healing his same-sex gender pain in healthy, heterosexual ways rather than medicating it homosexually.